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September 6, 2005 by AK

At night, our scientists will readjust the gravitation field, and…

Just before the second Iraqi War began, Vladimir Zhirinovsky, the leader of the mighty Liberal (indeed) Democratic Party of Russia, recorded a song. Yes, a rap-ish quasi-song warning President Bush in forceful terms against the invasion. Its title was, if memory serves me right, Bush! You Pantshitting Cowboy! or some such term of endearment. Perhaps it was a speech delivered under the influence mixed with some background music later. I can’t find the text online though there seem to be mp3 copies widely available; what I remember is the piece was absurdly funny. Surrealistically crazy — sure thing — but that’s the Zhirinovsky aesthetics. There’s no stopping the giggles.

I think Zhir starts like, “Bush you wanker cowboy, don’t you play games with war — the boys in Baghdad will whup your sorry ass coz it ain’t Kabul it ain’t Berlin you f*cktard,” progressing to serious threats in the vein of “we gonna send 10 million more Russians to America and elect our own president.”

Zhir also got a few lines that are basically Rush Limbaugh et al. uncensored: “Your predecessor, f*ck, Clinton, f*ck, he got his fly pulled off right in the office. I mean, you guys totally lost your shit there… Right there — in the head of state’s office — she used to blow him. What’s that, America? What the f*ck do you think you’re doing? That Monica slut… What President? What Middle East? Goddamn fellators,” and so on.

A call for cooperation follows — instead of Baghdad, “we will find other targets on this Earth.” Zhir suggests that Bush and Putin might join forces to hit Tbilisi and Baku and drown Australia. He also addresses the southern border issue, “Back to Texas, to your ranch, drive your jeep around your empty land and learn Spanish!”

And then the final blow comes: “Once, at night, our scientists will alter the Earth’s gravitational field, and your America will go down underwater.”

They must have been trying hard.


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